I’ll let you in on a little secret…
I am big fan of Science Fiction and Fantasy genre of literature and movies. I am a hardcore fan, but not so hardcore that I attend conventions or engage in cosplay, nor do I make V-shaped, hand signals at strangers and say, “Na-noo, Na-noo, Take me to your leader.” However, I am the type of fan that owns every Star Trek film ever made and every season of Stargate SG-1, Atlantis, and Universe on iTunes. I am also the type of fan that can quote Star Wars by heart, watch “LTR: Return of the King” on auto-repeat for days, and occasionally, I dream about killing Cylons on the BattleStar Galattica. This “hobby” is mostly a closeted hobby–not because I am embarassed, but because if I refer to any of it, I usually get, “what the heck are you talking about” looks. So, mostly, I enjoy all the sci-fi and fantasy wonders in the comfort and privacy of my home.
Let me tell you another little secret.
Many single Christians are also closeted fans of science fiction and they don’t even know it! How do I know this? Well, I arrived at this conclusion when I see the way many Christians date and talk about dating. I am not saying that they are in love with Yoda or that they like going on dates dressed as Hans Solo and Princess Leila. Rather, I am referring to is the fictional beliefs some Christians have, regarding dating and God’s plan for their lives.
Space Love!
Allow me to illustrate.
THE PROBLEM
I started to ask some people in my congregation questions such as: ”Are you open to dating?” “Do you want to find a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife?” ”Are you even breathing?” For all those questions, most answers were a resounding, “YES!” Their answer caused me to rhetorically ask, “If all these single people that meet on a regular basis are open to dating or want to date, then why are they all single”? ”What is wrong with you people?!?” Why are all these single people, who want to be dating, still single? So, I ask again, “What is wrong with you people (I guess, myself included!)!
Before, I present my argument further, I want you do something for me right now. Please take out a pen/paper or your cell phone. Quickly jot down the top ten qualities in want to find in a bf/gf/husband/wife. Once you are done, keep the list handy (we will refer back to it later), and continue reading…
So going back to THE PROBLEM: “Why is it that many singles that want to get married, are not married?” ”What are their fears?” “Are they lacking skills?” or “Do they have some false belief systems in place that are preventing them from dating successfully?”
FINDING THE PERFECT PLANET and THE MYTH OF PYGMALION
The answer can be found in Sci-fi movies and mythology. Most science fiction movies essentially all have one theme. It starts with a group on a spaceship made up of mostly humans, with the obligatory black guy; hot, big-breasted Alien chick; an Android; and a funny furry Alien. Then there is the enemy, which is made up of the dark-cloaked sinister leader, and his minions of robots. These two groups race against each other to try to find the perfect planet, called “Earth,” to make their home because everyone is running out of oxygen. They fantasize about this perfect place where they can perfectly live as a family and lay down their roots. Maybe someone should tell these space people the invconvienient truth that Earth is not perfect, it is occupied already, and there is a big hole in the Ozone layer!
The search for the elusive planet Earth!
Alas, the search for perfection is something that has permeated our culture for hundreds of centuries. Let me point you to the famous story found in the classical Greek epic, Ovid’s Metamorphoses. There was a king named, Pygmalion of Cyrus. He was disgusted by the loose and shameful lives of the women of his era, so he decides to live alone and unmarried. With wondrous art, he creates a beautiful statue more perfect than any living woman. The more he looks upon her, the more deeply he falls in love with her, until he wishes that she were more than a statue. This statue is Galatea. Lovesick, Pygmalion goes to the temple of the goddess Venus and prays that she give him a lover like his statue; Venus is touched by his love and brings Galatea to life. When Pygmalion returns from Venus’ temple and kisses his statue, he is delighted to find that she is warm and soft to the touch–”The maiden felt the kisses, blushed and, lifting her timid eyes up to the light, saw the sky and her lover at the same time” [loose translation].
Pygmalion and Galatea
Doesn’t that all sound too familiar. Time and time again, I see this scenario in the church. It goes something like this. Christian girl, upon seeing the dirty, crown and coke induced, man-hoes out there, decides to be single and hides herself in the comforting, warm bosom of the church. As she is being nuzzled, she creates a wonderous man in her mind. He is the perfect mixture of Aslan, Matt Redman, Bieber, and Bill Johnson. This fantasy mate embodies all of 1 Corinthians 13 and Leviticus. They carry all the fruits of the spirit, plus all the gifts. They can read you like Cindy Jacobs, dress and bend it like Beckham, cook like Ramsay, sing and dance like Usher, all while looking like they just walked out of a K-pop video. Furthermore, they are acceptable in appearance, have dimples, stable economically, of sound mind and character, and moreover, willing and able to accept being in a relationship with an imperfect woman!
This thinking is not limited to woman, but I see many young Godly men carry that same belief and hope that God will breath life into the masterpiece they have created in their brains. I am careful, though, to make grand statements of what God can or cannot do. I believe that all things are possible through Him. HOWEVER, we are not Pygmalion, nor does God operate the love goddess Venus. Furthermore, the perfect person just doesn’t exist. How do I know? Just ask yourself, when was the last time you were perfect? Ya, just as I thought…never.
Some of you will now protest and say, “But, I believe God has this guy, not perfect, but my one true soul mate prepared for me. A person, not perfect for everyone, but perfect for me!” What I am about to write might be the ultimate spoiler. So, don’t read on if you are happy living in the land of Unicorns and Santa Claus. If you continue on, I am going to take you out of the proverbial dating Matrix. Red pill or blue pill?
Okay, so if you are reading this sentence then I guess you want out of the matrix. So, let me present this argument to you. You don’t have to believe me, but just consider this perspective. Here we go!
THE UNDERLYING THEOLOGY BEHIND WHAT YOU BELIEVE ABOUT THE “PERFECT ONE”
First things, first. At the root of the elusive search for the perfect person that God is going to give you, is a theological belief about God. Undoubtedly, if you are fairly consistent church goer and occasional Bible reader, you believe that God has a will and plan for you life. That is why when you are going through big transition or about to make a weighty decision, you consult the Big Guy and try to ascertain His will. This is good, but what do you actually believe about God’s will and his plan? Most people, believe that God’s will is elusive and his plan looks like a blueprint.
Most people try to hunt down God’s will like it is an Easter egg hiding. They search, they pray, they agonize, and become upset when they can’t find it. That is where the problem lies. You are searching for an Easter Egg, but you think the Easter Egg looks like a square. You think it looks a certain way but really it isn’t. No wonder you can’t find it, you were looking for the wrong thing all along! Just ask yourself this, If God has a will for your life, don’t you think He wants you to know it? Furthermore, if He wants you to know it, why would he make it so difficult to find? More specifically, if God has your one perfect soulmate set aside for you, wouldn’t He want you to know who it is, so you don’t F-it up when you meet the person? I know some of you will counter argue at this moment that God doesn’t let us in on details of his plan because He wants us to trust Him. I agree with you, but what I am challenging you to think about is, if God’s will in your future relationships is so important and that God thinks its really important that you hear from him, then why is it so hard to hear from HIM!?!
Would it surprise you if I told you that God’s will is not hard to find. In fact, most of God’s will is spelled out for us in black and white. It may appear hard to find because of how you believe God’s plan for your life works. Some people believe that God’s plan for their lives looks like a blueprint, in that, every moment of their lives and all things are planned out to a T. A blueprint is meant to give detailed instructions and if you mess with it, the achitect, the builders, and engineers will be pissed! That’s how some of us believe God’s will works, in conjunction with our free will.
What if I were to tell you that the idea of God’s detailed blueprint for our lives is a myth and that this idea confuses God’s omniscience with his divine will. For sure, 100 percent, I believe God knows everything. The Bible tell us he even knows how many hairs we have on our head, however that doesn’t mean that God planned for us to a certain amount of hairs or he plans a schedule of how each hair will fall out or have bad hair days. I believe that God’s will for our lives and his plan for relationship lives looks more like a hockey game plan rather than a blue print. Knowing the difference is important for our dating life (and other areas)!
What is the difference?
Consider how a game plan works. It does not spell everything out in painstaking detail, nor does it give us a rigid path or outcome. What it does is it sets out a general guidelines and principles for the hockey players to follow. It gives the players a lot of freedom, it is flexible, and allows each player to carry it out in his style of play. For example…okay, I can’t really give an example because I’m not a big hockey fan, but you get it, right? The players partner up with the coach to carry out the game plan.
But don’t get me wrong, I don’t think believing in a game plan gives you license to do whatever you want. They are still rules and code of play in hockey that make it hockey. A player can’t use two sticks, they can’t punch the referee, they should try to avoid hiding the puck or adding in another puck, just to spice up the game. However, within the rules of the hockey game, the player has a lot of options. If the coach’s plan A breaks down because the player slips on some ice or get checked, he is expected to go to plan B and try something else. With a blueprint there is no plan B, there is just a plan A and we better not screw that up.
vs. 
The point of a blueprint is rigid and cannot be with error. It is carefully planned out, but there is not room for mistakes. It doesn’t allow real free will, so the free will you think you have, is just an illusion.
You think you want a blue print, but you really don’t, when it comes to Dating.
Many Christians are often comforted by the thought of a blueprint. You think you want a blueprint for your dating life, but you really don’t. First of all, if there is a blueprint, your free will is just an illusion. Secondly, just say that you believe that God has the perfect man/woman set aside for you. Imagine one day, a guy named, Mark the Christian, is in rebellion one day and he starts dating your future wife and marries her! If you say that God won’t allow that to happen, then the idea of free will is just a mirage. However, if God does allow that to happen, then you are screwed. Someone has just stolen your wife! Not only that, but Mark has just thrown the whole dating life of many individuals into chaos. How? Well, since Mark rebelled and married your wife, that means the girl he was suppose to marry has no husband now and her blueprint is completely ruined. Unless she stays single, and if she can’t marry Mark, then she has to marry someone else’s husband. Then that screws up someone else’s blueprint, and so on and so forth. One wrong move from Mark, because he had a bad day, just screwed many marriage all over the world (LOL…maybe that’s why divorce rate is so high in the church)!. All in all, you think you want a blueprint, but you really don’t.
However, all this is not to say that God NEVER has a specific and highly detailed plan in mind. Sometimes he does. He told Moses exactly how to construct the Tabernacle, He told the people of Israel exactly where to camp, He told Joshua how to defeat Jericho, and even told Hosea to marry a prostitute. God can do anything, but these detailed instructions are hardly the norm–they are the exceptions to the rule, even for characters of the Bible.
WHAT IS THE RESULT OF A BLUEPRINT MENTALITY?
Since most of us are not the exception, we cannot continue believing that God has a blueprint for our lives. I believe a lot of Christian singles are single because of the blueprint plan mentality. What is the result of a blueprint mentality?
The result is FEAR and FANTASY…a whole lot of it.
We spend a lot of time looking for that special place, or thing, or person that God has set aside for us. We wait and while we are waiting, we begin to manufacture this “perfect” man/woman for us. As the years go by, not only do we grow in age, but our fantasy perfect mate has also grown–even more unattainable! Hence, everyone we meet seems to fall short of our version of “Galatea”. Blueprint mentality is the mistaken belief that there is only one right choice for every major area of life. What this does is it paralyzes decision making. As a result, we can end up hesitating, overthinking, and rejecting lots of good and acceptable options. Blueprint mentality leads to a lot of fear. What do we fear? Lots of stuff, but here is the main one when it comes to dating:
1. Fear of making a mistake
What if we choose wrong, will we miss our destiny? What if I make the wrong decision and it is not God’s will? ACKKK! Panic sets in and you don’t want to make any moves for the fear that you might made the irreversible mistake or suffer consequences beyond what you can imagine. You don’t want to miss out on the blessing that God has for you, so you become afraid of making bold moves and taking risks. Get a grip!
I think you are getting ahead of yourself. Before you jump into anything, make sure you are equipped with the social skills you need to actually be a great date. Learn how to be friends with the opposite sex without looking like a desperate, creepy flasher dude. Take this time to build your skills, get rid of social awkwardness, and just practice how to have a conversation that won’t scare people off. Many people know what they don’t want, but few know what exactly they DO want. Do you know what you want? Do you have a realistic expectations or is your list littered with fantasy?
Now some of you may ask, “But, I’ve screwed up already! What now?”
Obedience on the back end of a totally retarded decision, somehow can save the worst situation and everything works out okay. If you truly want to know what the will of God is for your life, obey what you know. Read the Bible, listen to your spiritual leaders and get some accountability. Pastors and leaders are not perfect, but if you are humble enough to listen, I believe you won’t get screwed over. Moreover, when it comes to listening to God’s will, you gotta master the basics. For example, In drawing, sports, dancing, or singing, they call it the fundamentals. You gotta master the fundamentals before you move on to the more complicated stuff. Forget about using oil paint on canvas effectively, when you can’t even sketch an apple. Similarly, I see people praying for God’s will in their jobs, when they are messing around with their girlfriends. I see them ignoring the fundamentals in God’s game plan. It makes no sense to ask God if you should date this person or that person, when in other areas of your life, you are resisting the words or the gentle tug of the Holy Spirit in your heart.
CONCLUSION
DO NOT BE AFRAID! RELAX. The bible tell us not to worry. SO CHILL.
Some reassurance for you:
1. God has a plan for your life, and it involves a partnership. Get off your chicken lazy ass and do something about it. Seriously. Make a decision, choose wisely and be committed to it. That’s it. Marriage is less about perfection and more about commitment.
2. God has enough grace to cover your mistakes, so do not worry about making the wrong decision.
3. But because God has allowed such great partnership between Him and Us, we must pray for wisdom and exercise it at all times. That is how people get hurt, when people do dumb sh*t or do things without consultation. Take care of your issues!
1 John 4: 18-19: “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us.”
Love casts out fear, so must boldly go and develop intimate relationships. Learn the skills. Be intentional with all your relationships. Most importantly, don’t let fear be your guide. Relax, get some accountability/covering, and boldy go!
Some questions to ask yourself:
Do you have the perfect man/woman fantasy date built up in your mind? Are you letting fear and fantasy prevent you from giving someone a chance? Are you willing to let go of negative experience of the past and start anew? Look at the list you wrote at the beginning of this article for the perfect mate. Out of the ten things on that list, how many of those qualities are you living out? Or do you fall short of your own list? If you are missing your own mark, work on yourself first or lower your expectations!
Happy Dating!
_________________________________________________________________
Starting next week, I will be showcasing two single people each week. More details to come!
I’ve Catalyst on my mind and so should you!
If you like this post, follow me by clicking on the follow button at the top right of this post! Thanks for reading!
